总重红绿灯 | Stoplight in the Sky

Paul Theroux, noted cynic misanthrope, used the above phrase as a title for a rather blistering assault on expat sensibilities. I won’t reproduce it here, but you can easily find it online. I mention it because there is a particular student here who reproduces the “Tarzan Syndrome” symptoms here in China to a letter. Every word that comes out of his mouth is intended to make Chinese people’s actions and opinions (in particular his teachers’ opinions) seem stupid. His apparent impression of China is that it is full of dumb, dangerous people. Why is he here then? So he can be Special! Anyway, read the article.

So before I write about some of the funnier things I’ve observed in China that I’d like to capture in print, I’d like to CYA a bit and note that I am trying to avoid a condescending attitude a la “Why on earth do Chinese people do X? Isn’t that bizarre/idiotic?”  Instead, I ask, why not?

Along those lines:

When it’s hot out, and you are sleepy, why not sleep in a friggin’ wheelbarrow? It’s got the right shape, nice neck support etc. Why not let your waitresses sleep at nearby tables while customers eat? At my midterm exam, the head teacher put her head down on the table and caught forty winks. And why the hell not? It is literally impossible to systematically cheat on Chinese tests. I also saw the entire staff of the Gong Da barbershop sacked out in a row, napping in their reclining barber chairs, towels over their eyes. Welcome to the Land of Nod! More on this later.

Why not wear a tee shirt saying: “I have a lot of milk. Would you like some?” (Note: while a lot of expats like to ridicule Chinglish tee-shirts, I’d note that as ridiculous as they are, at least the Chinese have the excuse of not actually understanding the language. Whereas the American who spends $40 to buy an Abercrombie & Fitch shirt sporting the logo of a non-existent sports team?)

Why not have a stereo at the basketball court so women can practice waltzing in the middle of the night?

Why not have an old man give neck massage to customers while they urinate at night clubs?

Why not play basketball in the dark when you can barely see the goddamn basket or any of the other players? Um, actually, when you get a basketball in your face, it becomes clear that it’s not a very good idea.